The rules that should be rules in a public sauna that aren’t

When you have to manage more than just the heat

I’m currently suffering through the heat training component of my training for the upcoming Tarawera 100 Miler in 5 weeks time.

Is it going to be hot? Probably not, could it be, yeah, so I’m taking all precautions and milking the advantage heat gives you just in case.

This for me, unfortunately, means dragging my sweaty post run arse to the public swim centre every damn day to sit in the sauna.

And let me tell you, it’s an experience.

I want to reward myself every day for surviving the 20-30 minutes and it was absolutely nothing to do with the physical torture that is the heat and humidity.

It’s the people.

Look, full disclaimer, I’m an introvert who dislikes people at the best of times, never mind being stuck in a 5x5 box with them for 30 minutes at a time, but some people have absolutely no concept of how to behave around other people.

Now the sauna I frequent already has rules, like all good saunas do.

But I really don’t think they go far enough.

Let’s start with the basics

1. No talking

I don’t need to hear about your new garden fence, the plight of the local football team or the last time you got laid (or claim to).

2. Actually, no sounds at all.

No grunting, not huffing, no groaning. It’s hard for everyone, if you are going to die please do it quietly.

3. No calisthenics, push ups, planks, pacing or exercise of any kind.

I probably already think you’re a tool, doing pushups is only confirming my bias.

3. No picking, popping or scratching any and all body parts.

This should seriously be quite obvious

5. Social distancing is not an option it’s a requirement.

Don’t sit next to me when there is no one else in this damn hot box, keep your sweat to yourself. This is not a run on the treadmill next to the only person in the gym and “secretly” race them situation.

6. Speaking of sweat, that should he be only bodily fluid exiting your body. Don’t spit, sniff, snot rocket or anything else!

7. Keep the door shut.

   Don’t stand in the door and yell out to your wife to remind you about anything. Don’t come in and out at 5 minute intervals because you are doing “contrast training”. Don’t dordle. You are letting the heat out!

8. Don’t lie down when it’s full.

Let me guess, you also need a seat for your bag on the train?

9. Have some basic decency for other people.

   Hey bro, it’s not all about you!

Turns out turning up the heat, is also turning up my annoyance at everyone, anywhere, all the time.

Pray for me, and the next person who asks me “how long are you in for?” in the sauna.